No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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