i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
