DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize