I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
