she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
