Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
