I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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