youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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