3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
