I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
