if i can run in heels then i can drive
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
