my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
