I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The uberlube is also flammable
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
