Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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