Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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