Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
