jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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