They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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