Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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