I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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