By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize