My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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