Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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