Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
