that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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