Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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