I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
