He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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