I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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