We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
