On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
