You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
