Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
