Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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