I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
