i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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