My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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