I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
