you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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