The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
