I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
