Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
