my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My feet surprised me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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