Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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