If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Please don't give away my fajitas
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