Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
