I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
