I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize