***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
