There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
