And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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