PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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