at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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