I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
