wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
