her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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