Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
