I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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