I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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