I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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