Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize