Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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